Tips for Building Emotional Competence (EQ)

Here is a bit of a summary of what I spoke about to the team this morning.

According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, IQ factors only account for twenty percent of career success. The other 80% depends on emotional intelligence (EQ).

The world calls the ability to relate to others "emotional intelligence," the Bible calls it "wisdom." I call it "living skillfully" or being "relationally savvy" or having "people skills." Hybels calls is being "relationally intelligent."

The good news is that emotional competence can be developed

3 key areas for assessing emotional intelligence (EQ) are:

- Self-awareness (the ability to recognise one’s own moods, emotions and drives),
- Self-management
- Social competence (interpersonal effectiveness)

Tips for Building Emotional Competence:

Self-Awareness:
1. Notice your own feelings and emotions in different situations, notice when you feel anxious, frustrated, happy, satisfied, irritated, etc.
2. Think about what might have "triggered" those feelings
3. Notice what your "self-talk" is as you experience negative emotions, what inner dialogue is going on?
4. Be aware how that "self-talk" is affecting your feelings and your actions
5. Consider how those emotions might be impacting your behaviour and your ability to perform effectively in your job (some emotions enhance performance, others impede performance)
6. Ask a trusted colleague or friend for feedback on how they observe your emotions impacting others as well as your own effectiveness

Self-Management:
1. Re-frame your negative self-talk to make it more constructive. Find a more "useful" way to think about a situation which encourages more positive emotions.Example:If you feel anxious about getting feedback on your performance, notice the difference between "self-talk" that says "I don’t want to hear if it’s not positive, I’m too afraid to ask in case it’s not good news"; versus " I need to know honestly how I’m doing, and finding out can open up new opportunities for me".
2. Remember, it’s not what happens to us that is important, it’s how we choose to respond to events that matters
3. Talk to someone you trust and ask them to help you by challenging some of the ways you might be thinking about things which trigger negative emotions and explore "what’s another way to think about that"?
4. Emotions have valuable information, use them to solve problems, e.g. take a feeling of anger, find out why you are frustrated, and solve the problem

Social Competence:
1. Learn to "listen" for feelings as well as thoughts in what other people are saying
2. Start to practice the skill of listening for feeling, and reflect back to the other person the feelings you’ve heard
3. Select someone who you know is particularly strong in interpersonal skills and ask them to help you debrief on group dynamics/interactions (both spoken and unspoken) following team meetings, etc. – you can learn to become more aware of others’ emotions this way
4. Work hard on trying to see things from the other person’s point of view
6. Don’t state your point of view until you’ve accurately reflected back the other person’s viewpoint and demonstrated that you’ve understood them

(adapted from Helen Hooper)

"How to Be a Good Listener" - Dr Gary Chapman

I got this weekly email from Dr. Gary Chapman this week. Well worth sharing!

You're probably familiar with the five love languages--quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and physical touch.
Did you know quality time has many dialects?
One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Have you ever wondered if you're a good listener? How can you improve in this area?
Here are eight steps to becoming a sympathetic listener.

1. Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone.
This keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that the person has your full attention. Refrain from rolling your eyes in disgust, closing your eyes when they give you a low blow, looking over their head, or staring at their shoes while they are talking.

2. Don't engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual.
Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.

3. Listen for feelings.
Ask yourself: "What are this person's emotions right now?" When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, "It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot..." That gives the person a chance to clarify his/her feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what they are saying.

4. Observe body language.
Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the person is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what the person is really thinking and feeling.

5. Refuse to interrupt.

6. Ask reflective questions.

7. Express understanding.
The person needs to know that he/she has been heard and understood.

8. Ask if there is anything you might do that would be helpful.
Notice, you are asking, not telling the person what she ought to do. Never give advice until you are sure the other person wants it.

Listening is a key part of good Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

Adapted from The Five Love Languages Singles Edition by Dr. Gary Chapman.

To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit http://moodypublishers.c.topica.com/maamWeHabOW0SbK0x1mcafpRrd/.

EQ - Example from the Bible - Joseph

Mark Batterson gave this example of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) in a blog post a while back.

Here goes:

There is a fascinating example (of EQ) in Scripture.
In fact, I would suggest that the nation of Israel owes its existence to one act of emotional intelligence.
Check out Genesis 40:5.
One night the cup bearer and the baker each had a dream, and each dream had its own meaning. The next morning Joseph noticed the dejected look on their faces. "Why do you look so worried today?" he asked.

Joseph had zero EQ as a teenager. Read Genesis 37.
If you're still a tattle-tale at seventeen you've got EQ issues! Plus he was so self-absorbed and emotionally oblivous that he told his brothers about two dreams that anybody with any EQ would know would tick them off. I'm not excusing what his brothers did. They sold him into slavery. But Joseph was totally out of touch with the feelings of others.

But there is nothing like a little suffering to produce a little emphathy. Slavery and imprisonment educate Joseph emotionally. In Genesis 40:5, Joseph notices a discreet facial expression that seems to reveal an ounce of anxiety. Not only does he discern that subtle emotional clue, but he is compassionate enough to get involved. He could have thought to himself: I have enough problems of my own. He was sharing the same prison cell after all. But Joseph had developed an acute emotional sensitivity to the people around him. And that emotional intelligence saved the nation of Israel and changed the course of history.

Let me explain.

Joseph interpreted the cupbearer's dream and the dream came true. The cupbearer went to work for Pharaoh. Several years later, Pharaoh had a dream and the cupbearer remembered Joseph. Joseph not only interprets Pharaoh's dream, he lands a position in the administration as the Prime Minister. Because of Joseph, his family finds safe-haven in Egypt during a seven-year famine. And the family of one hundred turns into a nation of more than a million people during 400 years of slavery. Then God delivers them. The Israelites occupy the Promised Land. And hundreds of years later, a descendant of Jacob named Jesus is born in Bethlehem. And as they say: the rest is history.

One of my favorites branches of history is counterfactual theory.
It asks the what if questions.
What if Joseph hadn't noticed the dejected look?
He wouldn't have interpreted the dream! And what if he hadn't interpreted the dream?
He would have never met Pharaoh!
So the nation of Israel owes its existence to one act of emotional intelligence.
Joseph noticed a dejected look.

Don't underestimate the importance of emotional intelligence!

EQ - You Really Got to Get a Handle on This!

I started to do some training with our team recently about EQ.

According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, IQ factors only account for twenty percent of career success. The other 80% depends on emotional intelligence (EQ).

Clinical psychologist Reuven Bar-On defines emotional and social intelligence as “an array of emotional, personal, and social abilities and skills that influence one’s overall ability to succeed in coping with environmental demands and pressures.”

Emotionally mature human beings have the capacity to be aware of their attitudes, and, thus, make choices to improve negative ones or to act freely of such.

Goleman also uses the term “emotional competence,” which means emotions can be “learned” like any other “skill.” He explains how discoveries in neuroscience show us that the actual physiology of the brain can be altered through training. He writes, “The human brain is designed to change itself in response to accumulated experience.” Therefore, when Goleman speaks of Emotional Intelligence as “being able … to rein in emotional impulse; to read another innermost feelings; to handle relationships smoothly,”these are skills to be developed.

Just as we can increase the stamina of the heart or strength in the quadriceps, we can develop our brains, the seat of cognitive and emotional life.

The world calls the ability to relate to others "emotional intelligence," the Bible calls it "wisdom."

Study after study, not to mention good old common sense, demonstrates the key to exceptional leadership lies in developing the leadership competencies related to people skills. Strengthening one's interpersonal skills elevates a person's leadership abilities and results dramatically. Studies have demonstrated that leaders who consistently outperform their peers not only have the technical skills required, but more importantly, have mastered most of the aspects of Emotional Intelligence.

The 4 main areas of Emotional Intelligence are: Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management.

Many of the EI/EQ competencies are tightly related to one another, and improving competency in one area will often positively affect competency in another. Competence in each of these areas will help anyone become better at working with people. Proficiency in certain sets of these competencies will propel a leader and an organization towards greater productivity, greater satisfaction, and increased profitability. Leaders who build these relationship competencies find they have a greater ability to improve their organization's profitability, growth, satisfaction, teamwork, and vision.

The term Emotional Intelligence (EI), often interchanged with the term Emotional Quotient (EQ), became popular after Daniel Goleman published his first book called ‘Emotional Intelligence’ in 1995. Emotional Intelligence (or “EI”) refers to the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, and for motivating and managing emotions in ourselves, and in our relationships”.

The discussion of EQ often begins with an emotional challenge from Aristotle, as stated in Goleman’s book: “Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy”.

I can see I will need to do a post about "assessing your EQ" and then another on "resources for strengthening your EQ."

Mark Batterson did a blog post about an example from the bible of EQ - click here for the post content.

I am also planning a post soon about the EQ of Jesus - some of the preliminary notes are very interesting.... the EQ of JC!

SO watch this space!