Sorting Stuff Out - God's Way

I had to help someone work through some stuff recently.

I have a series of resources that I use so that I can help people grow in this vital area of conflict resolution.

Here is a bit of a cut n paste.

Love is the supreme value in the kingdom of God.
Anger and conflict block out love.
There is probably no greater challenge to spiritual growth than how you handle anger and conflict.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." -- Matthew 18:15

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?......You hypocrite!” Matthew 7:3-5

Steps towards Conflict Resolution

1. Go before God until you get His perspective on the conflict.
Do not act or speak out of rashness, anger or a sense of injustice.
Moses had to learn this , his impetuous loss of temper in conflict situations cost him 40 years in the wilderness on one occasion and the loss of entry to the Promised Land on another. However when Moses did get God's perspective on situations he was able to intercede with power and resolve even the most difficult of situations such as national apostasy and idol worship, religious rebellion and “takeover bids”.
Always remember that the fault may not lie with the other person but with yourself! Horrible thought, but you may be the reason that there is conflict in the first place – something you said/didn’t say, did/didn’t do, etc. Meditate on what preceded the conflict and you may be surprised.

2. Remember God is bigger than the problem.
The God who created the heavens and the earth is able to deal with giants in the Promised Land, fortified cities and huge warriors called Goliath. Pray through the problem until you are walking by faith not sight and you see the problem as just like a small pebble in the hand of an Almighty God.

3. Acknowledge the conflict.
Conflict is normal; it is a part of human nature. Lack of conflict does not equal maturity.

4. You must do something about it.
Why don't we face up to resolving conflict? Pride. Fear. Stubbornness.
Act in the "opposite spirit". If a person is stingy be generous to them. If a person is insultingly aggressive - turn the other cheek. If they impose on you do even more for them than is asked of you. Return love for hatred and prayers for persecution.

5. Approach the person involved.
Go does not mean avoid or pray or think or forget. But before going, ask yourself:
Why am I angry?
There are three major reasons that we get angry:
- Hurt
- Frustration
- Fear
What do you want?

6. Go directly to the person involved.
NO third parties, no mediators, no friends.

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”
Proverbs 10:19.

No matter what your intentions may be, telling friends can lead to the story spreading – this is called GOSSIP! If the other person hears you have a problem with them from a third party then the conflict is only going to get messier and harder to resolve and could end up involving hurt and resentment on both sides.
Conflict is inevitable. Resentment is optional.
Resolution is up to you.

7. Talk in private.
Be sensitive. Approach the other person as you would like to be approached.
A. Anger Myth: The best way to handle anger is to ventilate it.
B. Reality: Ventilation only reinforces anger. It is also not appreciated by those ventilated on. It accomplishes nothing positive in either person.

8. Use direct communication.
A. Describe clearly what you observed. (Example: "You didn't listen to what I said.")
B. Explain how it hurt you. (Example: "My opinion doesn't matter to you.")
C. Tell what the consequences have been. (Example: "I'm feeling quite resentful." or maybe "I feel like smashing you one when you treat me like that.")
D. Ask for what change you would like. Change implies more than simply an apology, although an apology is often a good place to start.

9. Aim at reconciliation.
The goal is to restore the relationship. The goal is not to prove who was right, not to get back at someone, not to avoid the situation, not to turn away and forget.

10. Read Proverbs until you know it backwards.
There is so much wise advice on problem solving and human nature in this one book of the Bible that it is amazing. For instance when I was involved in a dispute at work I prayed beforehand and the Scripture Matthew 18:15-17 came to mind. I followed this ‘plan’ and the conflict was ended. There was still a time of healing for the friendship but because I used biblical wisdom there was a strong base to build on.